Anya Bast

Sorry for any typos there might be. My right arm still isn’t at its best.

So, it’s been a month since I had the mammogram that showed two lumps in my right breast. They were small, so small that three manual exams by my gyn and one previous mammogram had been unable to detect them. They caused me many symptoms all the same, and had been doing so for far longer than I like to think. I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea it was something so serious. This was my fourth visit to the doctor for this problem.

On the day of the mammogram, the radiologist tried not to broadcast to me that she believed it was cancer. However, I’m a pretty intuitive person and I picked up on it. She told me I needed a biopsy, but that if the diagnosis was positive she assured me that the cancer appeared to be low grade, slow-growing.

The day of the mammogram was probably my most emotional day of this entire journey. I was shocked that they’d found something. I thought this visit to the doctor would be like all the rest. “The mammogram/my examination shows nothing. Your symptoms are probably due to poly cystic changes.” Instead I saw the tumors for myself and got words like “biopsy” and “low grade.” I was terrified.

I’ve had cancer scares previous to this one, so I dealt with it the same way I had before, with meditation and mindfulness. I created a sort of in-the-moment zen bubble. It’s my best coping strategy and I remain in it to this day…and will for many more. I was a mess that first day, but then managed to get my mind and emotions under control.

I’m not really all that afraid of death. (If there’s one thing an experience like this will do is put you nose-to-nose with the reality that one day you’re going to die.) Obviously, I don’t want to die, but what I really fear is leaving my daughter motherless. She’s adopted and has already lost one mother. The thought of her losing another is absolutely heartbreaking and horrifying for me. This is the fear I need to reconcile.

When the biopsy results came back positive, I wasn’t surprised. I had been hoping to dodge this, but no luck this time. I had the name of a highly recommended surgeon and I made arrangements to meet with him. I already knew that, in my case, a mastectomy of my right breast was the best choice. My radiologist had termed it, “the more definitive option,” instead of using the word “mastectomy,” but I prefer to call a spade, a spade.

Before my diagnosis, the thought of a mastectomy was appalling. After my diagnosis, it was the only thing I wanted done. It’s funny how things change when you know you have cancer inside of you. You’ll do anything to get it OUT. NOW.

My husband kept (and keeps) reassuring me that I would still be attractive after the operation, not to worry about that part of it, but my head wasn’t there. How I would look in a bikini was the last thing on my mind. MY BOOB IS TRYING TO KILL ME. GET IT OFF. That’s how I felt. If I could have had a mastectomy on the day of my diagnosis, I would have.

I couldn’t have a mastectomy right away, though. I had to wait two weeks. Which, considering, wasn’t that long.

It felt like forever.

I am 39 and don’t have a family history of any kind of cancer. Over the last few years I have greatly improved my diet and health and I’ve always been conscious of chemicals in food. I don’t know how I contracted this disease. I am told that for 75% of people who get cancer, it’s this way.

That said, in those two weeks, I not only cultivated a sitting meditation practice and became adept at maintaining the purest form of mindfulness I have ever been able to achieve, I also took a look at the toxic substances in my life and began researching ways to replace them with natural compounds. I started juicing fruits and vegetables as well.

Food is source of great concern for me now. Before I ate for enjoyment in large part, now I treat food as medicine. Nothing goes into my body that doesn’t nourish me in some fundamental way. I eat no fruit or vegetable that isn’t organic. I will probably never eat anything processed ever again, nothing with chemicals or unpronounceable compounds of any kind. I will probably never drink alcohol again. Maybe, eventually, red wine.

Basically my new rules for eating go this way: 1.) consume nothing for which there is a commercial. 2.) consume nothing that isn’t organic. 3.) consume nothing that doesn’t serve my health in a needful way.

I had already replaced some household cleansers with natural ones, but now I threw everything I wasn’t sure of. I dumped all my makeup, my face and body creams, deodorant, hair care products, everything….and replaced all of them with safer options.

I don’t know what caused this cancer, so I need to change as much about my environment as I can…so I NEVER have to go through this again.

The day of my surgery came and I was calm, floating in my little bubble of zen cool. The anesthesia made me dream, so strange. I woke in recovery thinking I was waking up in my own bed (if only)!

I’m pretty sure there’s a book in here somewhere and, one day, I’ll probably write it. This was my second attempt to start a journal of my experiences, however. The first time damaged my calm state of mindfulness big time. So, I think the book (whatever form that will take…probably fiction) will be for down the road a bit.

So, yes, it’s been about a week since my surgery and I’m doing really, really well. I’m in pain, of course, but I’m healing. We got the cancer before it made it to my lymph nodes. Obviously, that’s super awesome. I do still have a phantom boob once in a while, but that phantom boob has pain, so I’m thankful when it goes away. I do still look down occasionally and wonder where the hell my breast went. I find this kind of humorous rather than sad.

I am so, so thankful we caught this early. To think I almost didn’t ask my doctor about my symptoms that day, since I’d asked so many times before and they’d found nothing. To think I almost didn’t do that and she would never have ordered a second mammogram…..no, I’m very grateful.

And I have a recommendation for an apparently great reconstructive surgeon, so in six months I’ll have a new boob…and whole brand new rack, probably, and all this will be in my rearview mirror.

Out of all the words I’ve written in my life, I’d hoped to never write words like these. Life has a way of making you face your worst fears sometimes, though, so here goes: I have breast cancer. A week from today I’ll be having a mastectomy. I don’t know much more about my treatment to come. I expect I’ll need chemo. Hoping not, but it seems likely.

I am 39 with no family history of cancer. I’m still under the age for which they recommend yearly mammograms. I’m lucky we found this. And we only found it because I listened to my body. Pay attention to your intuition. TRUST YOURSELF. And get your mammogram. Every. Year.

Any good thoughts or prayers you have for me and my family as we enter this journey are appreciated. I fully intend to KICK CANCER’S ASS. I fully intend to MAKE IT THROUGH THIS and I intend to do it with a positive attitude and hope in my heart.

A dozen strong beliefs I hold:

1. I believe personal growth and development is won in the moments, in how you treat others and in the love that you show.

2. I believe it’s better to be able to bend once in a while, otherwise one day you will break.

3. I believe that being kind and having compassion are strengths, not weaknesses.

4. I believe it’s important to have tolerance for everyone, even those who are intolerant. (This one is very hard.)

5. I believe we create our own reality.

6. I believe we all change every single second. I am not the same person I was yesterday, or even two hours ago, not exactly.

7. I believe we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. No one else can provide this for us. We make choices about how to perceive ourselves and our lives.

8. I believe that some of the most hurtful and challenging people in my life have been my very best teachers. They have helped shaped me into the person I am.

9. I believe you can’t change the past and the future is made in the present. So it’s important to really be present.

10. I believe there is always something to learn.

11. I believe that while it’s fine to strive for “more,” it’s important to be content with what you currently have and not take it for granted.

12. I believe in keeping things simple.

Please take a few minutes to tell me something you strongly believe in the comment section.

Cross-posted from Between Fire and Ice.

We’re headed to the beach today. Oddly enough, it will be cooler there than it is at home. After suffering through many, many days of 100+ temperatures, a slightly cooler ocean breeze will be welcome.

The ocean, also, is a very cleansing place for me. Being near the ocean always makes me feel peaceful and raises my spirits. These days, I could really use that. So, even though my body really isn’t made for beaches (bring on the sunblock, SPF 200,000!!), just being near the sea will be a good thing for me.

While it will be nice to escape the heat a little, the temperatures haven’t managed to kill off my garden. Below is a picture of just a fraction of the veggies we’ve been able to harvest.

Eggplant, zucchini, green peppers, peas, green beans, tomatoes and potatoes. They’ve all been plentiful. I had enough here to make a dinner for 8 people, most everything harvested ourselves.

There’s something really satisfying about growing your own food. This year was a learning for me and I’ll do things much differently next year, but I think I’m officially addicted. Next I need to learn how to preserve things.

So, since I’m off to the beach, a place that heals me, I want to ask YOU. Do you have a location you go to that hits the “reset” button for you, chills you out, makes you peaceful, raises your spirits? If so, tell me in the comments. I’d love to know.

There’s only three more weeks left of school. Summer approaches. It already feels like early July here some days, so it’s not exactly sneaking up on us this year.

I have my daughter in a swim class, trying desperately to get her to learn how to swim before the hot weather is upon us. She’ll be going to camp for most of the summer (where there will be swimming) and I want her to be confident in the water (and for me not to worry about her). Her favored activity is figure skating. The water thing is not so hot with her, but we’re getting through it.

We don’t really have any special plans for this summer. We did consider Disney, but I have a health thing happening and can’t set any concrete dates at this point. It would probably be unbearably hot anyway. Florida is like a steam bath on steroids in the summer. It’s probably better to go in the fall. So we’ll wait (impatiently).

I plan to do some fishing (yes, I love fishing), much sitting by the pool, and taking the occasional day trip somewhere. Other than that, we’re playing it fast and loose.

I don’t much like the heat, so summer isn’t my favorite time of the year. I actually like winter better (snow! hot chocolate! warm, comforting fires!). I know that goes against most people’s preferences, although once in a while I’m run into someone who also prefers winter and he or she will act like we’re long lost soul mates. 🙂 It’s just not a commonly held opinion.

So, how about you? Have any interesting plans for this summer? Do you like the heat or prefer the cooler weather?

(cross-posted from Fire and Ice) ….and it’s that time of the year. Gardening time. As I sit writing this post, a man is out next to the house tilling up massive amounts of ground for me to plant things. I’m, erm, sort of being ambitious about my planting projects this year.

For years now I’ve been wanting to do a large, proper organic garden. I want to be able to grow food we can prepare and eat at our own table. We’ve recently moved and now I have all the planting space I need.

So…yeah, kind of ambitious. I’m planning to plant a row of raspberry plants, blackberry bushes, a strawberry patch, make a blueberry hedgerow, and grow a whole slew of vegetables. Oh, did I mention grapes, I’m going to grow those too.

And all of this will be done without pesticides or any chemicals that I, or my family, will have a chance of ingesting. I’ve done my research, but, honestly, I’m a new gardener with a limited amount of experience.

I know that in order to control for birds (berries, yo. Birds like berries) I’ll have to set up scarecrows. I also know that to control for bugs and weeds, I’ll have to lay straw beneath the plants and plant marigolds and garlic (repels bugs). The jury is out on the black weed-prevention material. People keep telling me it’s not worth it.

As usual, I didn’t wade in, I just threw myself headfirst into the deep end. I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going. (Hold me, I’m scared.)

Does anyone have any good advice for me? I need all of it I can get.

Our family celebrates an extra holiday every year (well, actually more than one), and it’s a very special one. It’s Family Day, the day when we all became a family. We did that through adoption.

Five years ago, the sweetest little 9 month old baby was placed in my arms. She’d lived her whole life in a Social Welfare Institute with a bevy of nannies in Chongqing, China. Her name was “good luck flower.” She was in shock that day, and sucking her thumb like mad. She wouldn’t eat for a while and didn’t cry. Instead of crying, after her initial shock wore off, she laughed, smiled and was incredibly adorable in general.

Most babies cry for attention, to be fed, to have their diaper changed. Our little girl had learned that charm got her the most attention in the SWI. It was a survival strategy, one she still displays today in certain circumstance. There were only two such babies in our group. The rest were hell raisers.

From the first moment I saw her picture, (that had been almost three months prior), she was mine, heart, body, and soul. To have her finally placed in my arms on the top floor of that hotel in Chongqing was like a hole being filled inside me. She’s the sunshine in my life.

I worried and worried I would get pregnant during our two year process to adopt her. If I had become pregnant, the adoption would have become invalid and I wanted to adopt rather than have a biological child. It was like I knew my little good luck flower was out there somewhere; I just needed to clear the path for her to get to us.

So every year, we mark Family Day (and Chinese New Year and the Moon Festival, too). Her presence has upped the amount of celebrations in our life in more than one way. Every year I look for a special way to mark the event. We’ve made special keepsakes at Build-a-Bear (when she was really small), visited China Town, and had Dim Sum. I have five days to figure out something special this year, but I’m thinking jewelry in a keepsake box.

Do you have any holidays or mark special days that other people don’t? If so, how do you celebrate?

Cross-posted from Fire and Ice

So, it’s another year…
…I don’t usually make resolutions at the beginning of the year. I guess I’ve made too many and broken them for me to take them seriously. Now if I want to do something or change something, I just do it any old time. Sometimes I succeed at doing or changing that thing, sometimes not.

Last year was a year of ups and downs for me and for my family, but although not everything went smoothly, nothing truly awful happened. Everyone is healthy and happy. I won’t ask for anything more than that and be thankful for every small (and large) blessing we have.

In 2012 I’m looking forward to writing, an occupation I never seem grow tired of. It’s an addiction for me. If I don’t write for a week, I get itchy and depressed. I believe I will always write, no matter what, as I have always written since about the age of twenty or so.

I do have a couple goals, though I don’t consider them resolutions because these goals are constant. One is to always find joy and peace in what I do and in my daily life. If you can’t find joy and peace in what you do every day, life gets pretty monotonous. If ever I stop enjoying writing (really don’t see that happening), I’ll move on to something else.

The other is to live in the moment, a constant challenge for me. I don’t mean this in a “stop to smell the roses” kind of way, although that is important. I mean to live in a mindful state, to always be completely present in everything I do, even if it’s only tying my shoe laces. It’s harder than it sounds.

How about you? Do you make New Year’s resolutions? Or do you have any goals-to-live-by, like me?

(Cross-posted from Between Fire and Ice)

Time seems to be picking up speed lately. I guess it must be the holidays.

I’ve spent the last week sick, mostly. My little girl is in Kindergarten and is, like all Kindergarteners, a germ magnet. It usually goes like this…girl gets a little cough, a bit pink about the cheeks and that’s it. Then mama gets hits with the force of a freight train and is down and out for four to five days. I’m glad my girl has such a strong immune system. Mine, on the other hand, pretty much sucks.

The last week also brought with it a couple sick kitties. One is dealing with some fantastic allergies. The other, sadly, is in congestive heart failure. Wiggle is in the final stages of this and we are managing the symptoms. We know we will not have him for much longer, so we are kissing him and cuddling him every day, appreciating him while he’s with us. It’s hard. Wiggle is an awesome cat, a total purr machine lap cat. He gives love twenty-four, seven. Seems wrong a cat with such a big heart should be suffering from heart failure. We’re going to miss him very much when he’s gone.

Wow, seems I wrote about a lot of downer stuff. I don’t feel down. I’m sad about Wiggle, but I’m glad we caught his illness early on. That means we can manage these final days for him, as far as symptoms go, and we won’t be surprised by his sudden death. I guess I’m saying I’m thankful we’re able to say our goodbyes to him. That’s a blessing. I’ve had precious kitties die suddenly when we haven’t had that opportunity. So there’s a bit of good mixed in with the bad.

My daughter is very excited about Christmas and her spirit is helping to raise mine. I have all my shopping done, I’ve had it done for a while now. I’m not a fan of crowded stores or busy mall parking lots, so I plan ahead and just take it easy the weeks before Christmas. I’m taking my girl to the Nutcracker, to Pancakes with Santa, baking cookies, all that good stuff. They’re only little so long, gotta take advantage of this time. I’d rather spend time with her than fighting traffic and jostling hordes of shoppers.

And, of course, I’ve been writing. I’m working on an experimental book right now, something that’s purely urban fantasy. It took me awhile to hit my stride with this one. Not because it was a new genre–urban fantasy is close enough to paranormal romance that it doesn’t feel strange–but more because I’m afraid I can’t do it. It’s the same sensation I had when I sat down to write my very first book, this fear that I might not be able to pull it off.

But that’s dumb because I know I can. I’ve written something like twenty full-length novels and about a ton and half novellas. So, I finally got over myself, put the stupid fear away, and now it’s going pretty smoothly.

So, I’ve rambled on about my week long enough. How’s yours going? Getting ready for the holidays?

P.S. I have a release in late January (The Twisted Kiss) and another in early February (Midnight Enchantment), so look for details soon on a blog contest at my web site! I’ll start it after the craziness of the holidays, in early January.